Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

[FROM MY OLD MULTIPLY SITE]

 

panalo ito! tumambling ako when i saw a copy of this — and in really good condition — sa aking neighborhood booksale nook. happy! 70 pesos lang siya ati, pero priceless ang makukuha mong nuggets of wisdom sa mga kuwento ni audre.

i am not too familiar with audre’s works for the simple fact that mas na-categorize kasi siya sa poetry, kasi ang mga mas binabasa ko sa lgbt lit e short stories and fiction novels kasi. pero bet na rin ito kasi naintriga ako sa kanyang pag-categorize sa sinulat niya as “a biomythography by audre lorde.” hanep.

i took up a creative writing class on nonfiction/essay writing dati, and the lesson included autobiographies and memoirs. mula nun, na-fascinate na ako sa kung paano nga ba gagawing creative ang retelling ng buhay ng isang tao without sounding so vain o paimportante o masyadong self-aggrandizing. at na-achieve naman yun ng famous people, esp writers, like toni morrison, na napaka-colorfully lyrical lang talaga magsulat hanep. at ganun din pala si audre dito sa book na to, na mas happy kasi nga lesbian siya. yey!

nakakatuwa kung paano niya pinag-intersect ang maraming bagay sa buhay niya at naipalabas niya dito sa mga pahinang ito. yung angst niya ng pagiging black in a racist and segregated america of yore, yung discovery niya ng pagiging lesbian niya (a word i learned to refer to a butch/lesbian na manly: bulldagger), saka yung angst niya sa family niya, lalo na sa nanay niya. although feeling ko, masyadong heavyhanded yung emosyon sa nanay niya lalo na sa huli na medyo inuugat niya dito ang marami niyang angst ek, pero parang dapat naman hindi o di kaya may hindi siya naisulat sa libro to bridge this seeming gap.

but what made me happy with this book is the way she wrote about her lovers, and her self-discovery of facets of her womanhood and lesbianism through them. hm, maganda siyang project! even if somebody not as grand or popular or kilala like her, kung ganito ang atak sa materyal sa pagsusulat ng buhay niya, e makaka-engganyo ng mga readers. ayuz.

yun nga lang, sa dami ng emosyong mararamdaman mo sa pagbabasa, hindi ito puwedeng pang-isang upuan lang. dapat after a few pages or chapters, ibaba mo muna, huminga ka ng malalim at mag-muni-muni. reading this actually inspired me to write, and that happened several times. at nakakatuwa ang feeling na yun. kaya grab na grab ko siya.

hm, taka lang ako bigla kung bakit hindi sinama sa readings ang sample nitong biomythography stuff niya. hay, marginalized pa rin, perhaps dahil di familar ang guro sa kanya at sa writings niya dahil sa lesbian siya, much like the poet pete lacaba commented sa egroups niya na di niya kilala si carol ann duffy until nagkaroon ng recent ban sa book niya sa uk, na worth knowing pala siya dahil sa poet laureate (chorva ek or whatever you call it) candidate pala siya. who happens to be lesbian. hm.

a habit of mine is highlighting lines that spoke to me or i find fascinating sa isang libro na sinusulat ko. needless to say, the pages bled of orange (my highlighter color) dahil sa dami ng nice thoughts.

samples:

“It was so often her approach to the world; to change reality. If you can’t change reality, change your perceptions of it.” (talking about her mum)

“No deviation was allowed from her interpretations of correct.” (ibid)

“How little I settled for in the way of human contact, compared to what I was conscious of wanting.”

“Maybe that is all any bravery is, a stronger fear of not being brave.”

“…a lovely quiet that matched my need.”

“…a kind of shift from safety towards self-preservation. It was a choice of pains. That’s what living was all about.”

“You loved people and you came to depend on their being there. But people died or changed or went away and it hurt too much. The only way to avoid that pain was not to love anyone, and not to let anyone get too close or too important. The secret to not being hurt like this again, I decided, was never depending on anyone, never needing, never loving.”

“I knew what it was like to be haunted by the ghost of a self one wished to be, but only half-sensed.”

“The heartbreak of holding on seemed preferable to the heartbreak of ever having to try again, of ever again attempting to connect with another human being.”

o di ba ayuz?

pero ang pinaka-tumataginting na OMG are u talking to me quote ay ito:

“When two women construct a relationship they enter together, the anticipated satisfactions are mutual if not similar. Sometimes that relationship becomes unsatisfactory, or ceases to fulfill those separate needs. When that happens, unless there is a mutual agreement to simultaneously dissolve the relationship, there must always be one person who decides to make the first move.

The woman who moves first is not necessarily the most injured nor the most at fault.”

ting!

napakalaking note to self, aney?

yun nah.

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~ by leaflens on September 14, 2008.

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